Monday, October 4, 2010

MILF...I wanna be your baby... - M4W

I saw you at Tea Lounge Saturday afternoon. I was sitting on the brown recliner near the coffee bar with my laptop, secretly masturbating to pixelated photos of Tina Yothers from "Family Ties". You were the tall blonde MILF, chatting with some dumpy brunette. Your kid was parading around the cafe, mashing chocolate frosting into clean tables and tossing half-eaten chunks of food at nearby patrons.

Your child's stroller was parked in the middle of a busy aisle, blocking my view of your bod. Thankfully, an old man tripped over one of its wheels and it rolled forward as he flailed to the ground. Then like a dream, I saw the hot pink glow of your Crocs, illuminating the bulging varicose veins in your husky, unshaven legs. It was like a Lite Brite toy, beckoning me to plug my bulbs into your peg board.

It was obvious that you were checking me out, since you failed to notice that your daughter ate a tube of lipstick and started drinking an enema bag she fished from your purse, thinking it was a Capri Sun. I saw you writing something on a piece of newspaper before you left, so I got up to check the table once you walked away. Unfortunately, amongst the massive pile of dirty napkins, crumbs, broken plates, and a puddle of spilled coffee, all I could find was a crumpled note that said, "Here's a tip for the mess", along with two quarters.

MILF, I wanna be your baby! Call me!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wing Woman

Hey guys, do you find yourselves constantly rejected by the women you want to date?
Does it seem impossible to make that tough transition from platonic pal into fellated fellow?
Do you have at least 20 dollars (American)?

If you answered "yes" to at least one of these questions, then we have a solution for you...

A Wing Woman!

A Wing Woman is a female bearing a certain level of attractiveness that will accompany you to public places and social gatherings.* (*for a nominal fee)

Now, I know what you're thinking,"How is hanging out with a good-looking girl going to prompt other women to notice me?"

The answer is simple...women despise one another.
Instead of fostering a supportive sisterhood, females have decreed that be it strappy sandals, designer decor or a human husband, nothing is off limits to pillage, pilfer or plunder in the pursuit to have it all! And with a Wing Woman, you can be allll that!

Still not convinced?
Look, stupid, when you read a book in the park, run your daily errands, or help an elderly lady cross the street, single women think you're a rapist.
However, once you show some superficial senoritas, that you are desirable to another woman, they will be unable to resist you!

What, do I need to draw you a picture? Here is some actual testimony from unsuspecting females:

"Joe and I met through mutual friends. I never found him to be attractive, funny, smart, or interesting. I didn't like the way he smelled, thought he lacked ironically-styled facial hair, and whenever he spoke about tedious topics like his volunteer work with the homeless, I daydreamed about stabbing him in the mouth with my salad fork, to keep him from boring me to death!

Then the darndest thing happened. I ran into him at a dinner party a few weeks ago, and he was with a girl. Not just any girl...she was a knockout!

I figured if this stunning woman wanted Joe then there must be something about him that is worthwhile. I somehow couldn't see those qualities the sixteen other times we hung out, but now that someone else fancied him, I knew he was a great catch. The best part was, if I could lure him away from such a gorgeous girlfriend then I one-up the bitch and become more attractive by default.

I decided right then and there that I needed to be with him, so I followed him into the bathroom and gave him a hand job. We've been together ever since."
-Tara from Brooklyn

"I used to think that the Crispin Glover look-a-like who stalks me was crazy, but now I see that he's crazy...HOT!
When I spied him digging through my trash with a bodacious blonde, I realized that maybe he was just a big teddy bear after all. Now we spend lazy Sundays together - I work on the Times Crossword Puzzle while he snips the eyes out of pictures of jaunty toddlers from Toys R' Us circulars. We're a perfect match!"
-Kelsey from Albany

Tim from Colorado says:
"I was obsessed with Sheila, the barista at the local cafe. She and I share similar tastes in music and authors, but any time I tried to engage her in conversation, she seemed irritated and disinterested. Then one day I brought Tina, my Wing Woman to the coffee shop, and Sheila asked if I wanted cream...HER cream in my coffee! Here I was, wasting my time attempting to use common interests and trying to get to know my crush on a respectful level. Boy was I a lunkhead! Never again! Thank you Wing Woman!"

Wing Woman...it's the way to show her that what she didn't care to have and clearly never wanted, makes for a happy ending...your happy ending!

Operators are standing by!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tom Kruse

Recently, I've noticed that online dating sites have been advertising "free communication" trial offers to coincide with a long holiday weekend.

Sandwiched between commercials for vaginal Pine Sol and Hoverounds (the motorized strollers for people who've thrown in the towel on limb usage and dignity), these 60-second spots showcase couples engaging in adorable activities. Although these ads are nearly identical to endorsements for STD-symptom suppressants, e-dating's dynamic duos praise the miracle of the website that brought them together, rather than the cream that keeps their genital wart outbreaks apart.

Nevertheless, the promise of finding true love for free(!) sounds like a brilliant bargain. However, there are some drawbacks with subscribing to the unpaid membership...

In lieu of a profile picture of Prospective Prince Charming, there is a place-holding cartoon caricature of what my potential date could look like.
Although I possess an active imagination, I find it troublesome to fantasize about a night on the town with what looks like the chalk outline from a murder scene. Should my date appear that way at the close of the evening, is of course, a horse of a different color.

Now if I choose to upgrade my membership (for just three easy payments of $39.95) I could survey the snapshots of my future flame, posing bare-chested before a souped-up sports car, baiting a behemoth Bass, or dressed to the nine's, cuddling the carefully cropped torso of an unidentified female at a bar mitzvah.

Adjacent to the 19th century silhouette drawing of my soul mate, is a squared-off section containing "special interests".
These emoticon-laden bullet points serve as the brick and mortar base-builder of my budding romance. Unfortunately, with the costless trial, certain crucial details are omitted:

-Roger enjoys _____ his sister. :$
-One time, Roger had a ____, thankfully, no one survived ;)
-Five years ago, Roger contracted _____ from _____ :0
-Roger likes to ____ small children. :)
-The voices tell Roger to ____. :{}

Nevertheless, my membership remained at the complimentary level. I failed to connect with any of the pathetic pairings impersonally generated for me through the collaboration of a computer-buzzword matching program and a cable modem.

As time passed, I began to receive random emails from the dating site. The messages started out as gentle, hinting reminders that, "Meredith, love could still be out there waiting for you," and quickly transformed into passive-aggressive Jewish mom jeers such as, "It's okay that you don't want to find someone to spend your life with".

Once I changed my email address, I soon forgot about the time that I spent trying to sell myself on the world wide web. Although sometimes while I'm watching "The L Word" in my soiled underwear, eating a frozen dinner specially marked, "For One", a match.com ad will appear on the screen. I'll glance around the shanty of an apartment I share with my cat and various action figures, smile, shake my head and think to myself, "Tomorrow I'm going to buy a Hoveround and ride it into the Grand Canyon."

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Missed Connections W4M

I saw you last night on Henry Street. You were yelling at some lady, telling her that if she didn't shut up you would kill her. You had the most intense blue eyes and when you started punching that old woman, I could see how jacked your arms were. I'm not sure if you saw me, but when you were running away with that woman's bloody purse in your hand, you nearly knocked me over. I was wearing the pink Juicy velour track suit. You're super hot. Email me, let's get a drink.

Missed Connections M4W

I saw you on the Uptown 4 train this morning. You are short and blonde and were wearing a tee shirt with a giant cat's face on it. You were clutching the subway pole, trying not to fall over the homeless guy passed out behind you. That was so cute. I wanted to be closer to you, so I pressed my bloated, heaving, man breasts into your back and simultaneously allowed my sweaty, spare tire rolls to rest against your torso. When I slid my moist, clammy hand over yours on the pole, I felt electricity. You must have felt is too since you pulled your hand away like you were shocked. I could tell you were into me, but you got off the train at the next stop so fast, you must have thought I was getting out there too.
When can I see you again?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

SuperPoke!

After watching my date check his emails, thumb his Blackberry, and refresh his Facebook status to reveal that absolutely nothing had transpired in the nanoseconds since his last update, I came to the realization that this man was a techno-junkie. Although we were ambling around Prospect Park on a luminous, unclouded afternoon, the serene setting did not distract this bloke from squinting at his iPhone screen and muttering the word "FarmVille" repeatedly.

At long last, when he was able to relinquish his handful of hand-held technology, we had an interesting discussion about life in New Jersey, genetics, and our family histories, at which time I disclosed that my father had passed away years prior.

Although no romance ever transpired between myself and this gent, we chatted briefly a few times post park date. Unfortunately, his Bluetooth headset may have obliterated his short-term memory, because each time we spoke he would never fail to ask, "And how's your dad doing?", to which I ultimately replied, "Still dead, but should that change, I'll update my Facebook status to "Dad Now Alive", and assign it a "Meredith likes this" thumbs up.

We never interacted again in either the real world or in the virtual realm, though I'm quite certain he soon forgot that I ever crossed his qwerty.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Final Girl

At the end of a horror movie, after the savage slaughterer has been shot in the testicles, electrocuted, and finally beheaded, a lone heroine remains in the aftermath known as the final girl. She is the one who discovers the dismembered bodies of her friends, and is terrified and tortured for the entirety of the film. Eventually, it is the final girl who manages to find the strength to challenge and defeat the killer herself, and by the last act halts the sanguinary cycle...unless of course, there's a sequel.

Recently, I've started to wonder if being the final girl in a petrifying picture show isn't that far off from dealing with the residuum of a volatile relationship. Often, both scary movies and the bombshell breakdown of a courtship can result in scars, trauma, and the urge to check under one's bed for monsters, or in some cases, between the sheets.

Perhaps dating isn't very disparate from the drama in a slasher flick. Traditionally, there's a chase, an ephemerally false sense of security, brief nudity, a diabolical master plan, and ultimately a broken heart, and/or severed limb. Meanwhile, family and friends watch the plot unfold, as moviegoers often do, but in lieu of yelling, "Don't go in there!" or "Aw bitch gonna get killed!", they reserve their comments to, "I hope this one works out", or "Uh oh, you sound excited about him...", followed with the fretful "fffffff" sound which occurs when someone sucks air through their teeth, to further emphasize a disquietude.

Of course, just as the audience of a frightening film can surmise that a homicidal hobo is lurking in the bushes, or that the protagonist's seemingly angelic boyfriend is in actuality the bloodthirsty butcher, some non-objective onlookers in my life have the ability to recognize the red flags of a potential beau of mine. Unfortunately, like the oft ignored, kooky psychic cinema character who spouts prophecies of doom, sometimes we don't heed the messenger when blissful ignorance is the more attractive option.

One of the most notable scoundrels I've encountered to date (pun intended) is as follows:

Roy* and I had been dating for two months before he and I engaged in the dreaded discourse about past relationships. When he mentioned an ex-girlfriend named Amy, he became extremely emotional, and revealed that he would never fully heal from the fact that she had been killed in a car accident years prior.

Since going steady with a veritable widower was uncharted territory for me, I was unaware of the proper protocol when I found myself continuously compared to a dead woman. From the fetching fashion in which she would dress, to the fact that she could bowl a 110, I was in a constant state of competition with a corpse. "Amy would never mind when I smoked cigars, are you sure it bothers you?", "Maybe you could learn how to give a good back rub...Amy took a Shiatsu class". "It was really sexy when Amy would dress up like a Storm Trooper for me".

As soon as Roy was accepted into a grad school program upstate, he decided not to continue our relationship in a long-distance form, and gradually our communications ceased. One morning, after months without contact from the bloke, I opened my front door and found an envelope sitting on my welcome mat. As I retrieved the purple parcel, I discovered a small tear in the pouch opening, along with a handwritten note from my neighbor, Marni.

Meredith,
Sorry I opened your letter, it had my house number on it, and I saw it addressed to "M", so I thought it was for me.
Sorry about that.
Marni

I opened the flap and removed the typewritten letter:

Dear Meredith,
I hope you are well.
I wanted you to know that I never had a girlfriend named Amy. I made her up because I wanted to seem less happy-go-lucky and more experienced. I was a virgin when we met, and I never felt like myself, but now that I have the Lord to guide me, and a new wife, I wanted to make amends.
I hope your days are as bright as the stars,
Roy

I inspected the envelope, hoping to ferret out some proof that the entire epistle was a gag or a hoax, but no traces could be found. Not only had I been hornswoggled into believing this guy's ghost stories, but the cherry-on-top remained in the idea that my neighbor had presumably read the contents of his manic message. As time passed, the initial shock of the letter wore off, but the selfish and apathetic actions of this man still gives me the heebie-jeebies on occasion.

Nevertheless, whether he was bullied by his classmates, fell in love with a woman who cruelly rejected him, or perhaps received only evil juice and Yoo Hoos through the placenta, at the turning point in a horror movie, the motive for the psychopath's killing-spree is uncovered. However, reality serves to be more frightening when men and women who appear content in continuing in their harmful behavior towards others survive in complete oblivion to it. Ultimately while they progress through life, with a growing number of broken hearts and hurt feelings mounting behind them like the body count in a snuff film, these folks never fully realize that one day they will be at the mercy of the final girl.

*names have been changed, but incurably, the past remains the same
 
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