Break-Up Kits

My plan to start fresh is in effect. I registered for French class, purchased my textbooks, and even roped a co-worker into teaching me the basics of dance. First lesson - how to nod my head and move my feet rhythmically. Top teeth hanging over bottom lip a la White man's overbite, optional.

I feel as though I've just spent hours following a recipe, painstakingly adding each ingredient until finally the dish is ready to serve, but rather than digging in, all I can do is sit at the table and push the plate around with my fork.

Instead of excitement, I feel disheartened. I'm going through a withdrawal from the high I felt while being courted and pursued, and no matter how much glue I huff, I can't seem to catch the same kind of buzz.

After this recent love gaffe of mine, I keep wondering how the people I involve myself with are able to turn their feelings off so instantly, like the power button on a television remote. Brain switched from Feelings for Meredith ON to Feelings for Meredith OFF, in mere seconds.

Don't get me wrong, I've been sloppy with the emotions of others before, and now that I'm older and fear a rim job from karma, I try to be more responsible. Unfortunately, I've become one of those people who wears her heart on her sleeve so outwardly, that it may as well be diced and skewered with tiny toothpicks for people to sample in a mall food court. Mmmm, she's extra sensitive today, delicious!

So where is the happy medium if there is such a thing? What is the secret to disentangling oneself from a relationship with all the messy unrequited feelings and the arduous process of getting over them? How does one brush herself off so nice and tidy, feeling refreshed as if just having had a cat nap?

Maybe Hallmark should start manufacturing break-up kits, a pre-packaged tool set which helps you effortlessly snip someone out of your life.

Break Up Kits: Because it's the human thing to do.
For ages 12 and up
Contents include:

-A "You deserve better..." checklist, with reasons such as, "I know we just had sex, but I'm gay now" or "You should be with someone who sees all the good qualities you supposedly have, that I just listed, but don't want for some reason."
It's recyclable, so next time you're dumping someone, you don't have to scramble and come up with these reasons on the spot. Just make sure you've thoroughly wiped down the dry-erase "Her name here" section, because calling her by the wrong name would be downright rude.

-Pictures and messages from hot women posted on your Facebook or MySpace page to make it look like you've already moved on. Sure, you've dumped her, but just in case she ever thinks there may be a chance for reconciliation, she will see all the new prospective sexy ladies that are after you. And let's just admit it, it is a contest of who wound up better off. And baby, it's you.

-A penknife to help etch yet another notch in the ol' bedpost...You stud, you.

-A case of Jagermeister and a bendy straw. Sobriety can cause guilt and other negative feelings from the way you behaved to creep up and cause discomfort. Think of alcohol as a Snuggie for your conscience.

Also available "Sorry I Made You Pregnant Kit", each sold separately.

In reality, there is no quick-fix for me right now, and I'll have to wait for time to work it's slow, dragging magic, or at least hope for the fugue to kick in. In the meantime, I'll bide my time by watching Golden Girls reruns and listening to Blonde Redhead. If you'll excuse me, my half gallon of mint chip isn't going to finish itself.