Doll House

I'm knee-deep in a landfill of relics from former dalliances, examining my dating history like an archaeologist, trying to decode the evolution of my relationship addiction. Upon further inspection of these memories, I realize that I must have been playing romantic Mad Libs, focusing on the words I wanted to hear to create the story, but unfortunately, allowing the crucial information to go unnoticed.

What I heard:
My friends love you...You're so much nicer than my previous girlfriend...I miss you.

What was actually said:
My friends love you, which is ironic, since I really don't care for you that much...You're so much nicer than my previous girlfriend, she was one of those super hot women who could get away with being a bitch...I miss you, but if I keep shooting this rifle, I'm bound to hit some vital artery of yours.

The further I fall down this rabbit-hole of introspection, the more I close off to the idea of a relationship, and truly embrace my spinster potential. The problem is, my new found aversion towards intimacy is causing me to appear more attractive to men because as Spock says, "Having is not such a pleasing a thing as wanting...", and it's refreshing to be presented with a challenge, especially in New York where a guy can't swing a credit card without hitting a woman who is looking for a boyfriend or marriage. My cold demeanor and harsh disparagement towards some guys serves as foreplay, while the blunt verbalization that I do not want to date, make out with, or even inhabit the same planet as certain males, generates more of an aphrodisiac than the finest Canadian porn the internet can provide.

I am seeking out friendships right now, and instead of the "Would I Fuck Him" mental checklist women usually tick off when they first meet a guy, I hold a "Could this be my new BFF" contest in my head, complete with bonus points for understanding Lord of the Rings jargon or the recognition of Spaceballs quotes. Ever since I ceased to live outside of the fantasy land of university, it has become nearly impossible to form quality friendships. Therefore, I don't want a revolving door of amigos, coming and going within the span of months because of disparate goals.

So what if there were some compromise one could find in the tug of war between dating vs. friendship? How can the awkward relationship talk be avoided or the dreaded drunken make-out attempt curtailed?

Real Doll Stand-In, that's how.

According to Abyss Creations, the fine folks who manufacture these creatures, Real Dolls are 'the state-of-the-art for life-like human body simulation', so should the uncomfortable friend predicament occur, you can excuse yourself to the bedroom, set up your doll and let the magic happen on its own. You don't even have to stay in the room while the action is going on, which is sometimes similar to the way lovemaking goes anyway.

Afterwards, your friend will believe the two of you slept together, and because you don't act any differently towards him, he can feel relieved that you don't want to have a relationship. Plus, now that his coital curiosity has been satisfied, and the conquest has been had, he may actually continue to be an attentive friend.

Sure, a Real Doll is expensive, but with a hooker stand-in, you run the risk of the guy catching an STD, awkwardly finding an adam's apple, or the call-girl being really good in bed. These stand-ins also work as a test to see if a guy is in lust vs. like with you, should you want an actual relationship. And in keeping eco-friendly, a Real Doll can be reused again and again for each suitor that won't last in ardor with you past the first expulsion of sperm.

Real Doll Stand-ins, so you can still have a friend after your friend has you.